Early blog entries are problematic. My initial impulse is to want to share everything, supplying context to events and explanations for thoughts and actions. Unfortunately that’s really time consuming, I’m tired, and I just want to fulfill my promise to myself that I’d write something about my day. So here it goes.
My day largely sucked. The one good thing I can say about it is that it didn’t suck as much as yesterday. Yesterday I woke with horrible, gut twisting anxiety and was throwing up before I got as far as my morning shower. Today, in contrast, I woke with gut twisting anxiety but managed to shower and get dressed before I threw up. In both cases I went to work tied in knots and the Lorazepam I’d taken did little to help.
The other advantage today had over yesterday is that today was sunny and 30 degrees whereas yesterday there was a blizzard. I also gave myself permission to not deal with the bankruptcy I’m going through, our attempt to refinance and subsequently stay in our house, schedule my son’s dentist appointment, or deal with any bills (I tortured myself with that stuff yesterday). All of that stuff I decided early on would be tabled until tomorrow.
Tomorrow is going to suck.
As each day wore on the anxiety was masked a bit by the pressures of my job and the demands of my family. I never seem to feel ok or good but I have come to appreciate the benefits of being stupid busy and subsequently distracted. That this is my only escape makes me fear the weekend as those have been particularly bad lately but who knows, if I get all major tasks out of the way tomorrow I might just find I have nothing to obsess over.