I Wanna Be Sedated

I’m lying in bed next to my wife and one year old and I can’t sleep.  This is horribly ironic as last night I was unable to take my Trazadone setting me up to wake over and over again, each time noting the dwindling hours and minutes I had before I had to get up for work.  Without that sleeping pill both my mind and body tensed and contorted until finally I had to give up on sleep and start the day.

The morning was typical for me: anxiety, worry, and pressures of the impending day looming over me until I threw up.  For the past four or five days my mood got better as the day went on but running without sleep today I couldn’t pull out of it as easily.  My head swam and swooned until I was dizzy.  Aches and pains brought about numerous worries about my health and particularly my undying fear of dying from lung cancer (my chest felt tight and irritated all day).  I thought about taking a Lorazapam to break the anxiety but I was so tired and those pills make me drowsy, I just couldn’t risk it at work.  I had to drag myself through to the end of the day.

When I got home I had to crash.  I felt bad, falling asleep at 6:30 as my wife dealt with the kids, but I was so exhausted I was shaking.  I crawled into the soft warm reprieve of my bed and was out like a light.

I woke up at 9pm.  I helped get the kids to bed and planned on going back to bed myself.  I popped two Trazadone and logged onto Psych Central and expected the pills to knock me out.  They haven’t.  I’m awake, saddened by my own consciousness, lying in bed next to my wife and one year old son while mulling over the bitter irony.

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4 Responses to I Wanna Be Sedated

  1. sunrise789 says:

    yes i know how you feel

  2. Cyran0 says:

    I’m sorry you can relate but thanks for letting me know. And thanks for reading my blog, comments are the only way I know if anyone does. 🙂

  3. Noah's Wife says:

    Hey! You have mental health issues and a family! I’ve been looking for others with that commonality. I have a boy who will turn four in a few weeks – have to get ready for the party. I have a girl who is 1 and a half. I feel really guilty for getting sick. ‘Sounds like you managed to keep working through your crisis. ‘Sounds like you’re getting through your crisis one step at a time. Good for you. I didn’t manage to keep working, but I am slowly managing – I think – to get better one step at a time. I hope so anyway! Lovely to find you!

  4. Cyran0 says:

    Hi, I’m glad you found me too. It’s a pretty lonely struggle, all things considered, so I’m thrilled to hear my ramblings here might make the journey a little less lonely for all of us.

    Are you in the Psych Central community forums? I use the username Cyran0 there too so feel free to friend me.

    And again, thanks for reading this and understanding, I get a lot out of that.


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