I’m lying in bed next to my wife and one year old and I can’t sleep. This is horribly ironic as last night I was unable to take my Trazadone setting me up to wake over and over again, each time noting the dwindling hours and minutes I had before I had to get up for work. Without that sleeping pill both my mind and body tensed and contorted until finally I had to give up on sleep and start the day.
The morning was typical for me: anxiety, worry, and pressures of the impending day looming over me until I threw up. For the past four or five days my mood got better as the day went on but running without sleep today I couldn’t pull out of it as easily. My head swam and swooned until I was dizzy. Aches and pains brought about numerous worries about my health and particularly my undying fear of dying from lung cancer (my chest felt tight and irritated all day). I thought about taking a Lorazapam to break the anxiety but I was so tired and those pills make me drowsy, I just couldn’t risk it at work. I had to drag myself through to the end of the day.
When I got home I had to crash. I felt bad, falling asleep at 6:30 as my wife dealt with the kids, but I was so exhausted I was shaking. I crawled into the soft warm reprieve of my bed and was out like a light.
I woke up at 9pm. I helped get the kids to bed and planned on going back to bed myself. I popped two Trazadone and logged onto Psych Central and expected the pills to knock me out. They haven’t. I’m awake, saddened by my own consciousness, lying in bed next to my wife and one year old son while mulling over the bitter irony.