High Anxiety In Triplicate

For the past week I’ve been trapped in what can only be described as bureaucratic hell.  I had my “meeting of the creditors” this last Friday (essentially a court appearance as part of the bankruptcy process), I had to get a bunch of documents to the county for my application to get medical assistance for my son who needs dental work, I had to fax a mess load of documents to my mortgage company as I try to get homeowners assistance, and oh yeah I also had to meet with my tax guy.  I would think this would stress anyone out but for someone with my anxiety issues this has been torture.

I’m sure when a normal person thinks about checking their bank account or digging out some tax documents to fax to someone they just do it.  No big deal.  In contrast I experience absolute dread that is more than capable of preventing me from doing anything.  My saving grace has been Lorazapam (Ativan) and some half assed breathing exercises.  I do that, swallow my fear, and suffer through it.  More suffering, just what the doctor ordered.

Actually I met with my pdoc today (shorthand for psychiatrist for the uninitiated) and what she wants to do it increase my Zoloft dose.  That’s fine I’ve anticipated that and am looking forward to it.  You see I’ve been on Zoloft before and had to go up to 200mg before I got real benefit so I knew 100mg wasn’t going to cut it.  Now I’ll be up to 150mg, which may show some results.

What’s funny though is she keeps saying she can’t just dose me until I feel no anxiety at all.  The implication there is that I’d be an emotionless zombie and I always chuckle and say “yeah, can’t do that.”  But honestly I’m thinking, sure you can!  Dose me to the gills!  Turn me into a drooling vegetable as that just sounds peaceful and lovely.  I know that wouldn’t be healthy but the fact that that’s my first thought speaks volumes about what it’s like to live with generalized anxiety (or whatever the hell it is that I have).

I’m going to try to do better with this blog thing.  Time is always in short supply in my life and instead of writing here I’ve been going on the Psych Central message board and while that’s fine, it can be a time sinkhole that leaves no time for this.

Ah well, tomorrow is another day, like it or not.

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